


i feel different

by emoandsadinside



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, simona au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-05-09 05:39:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14710158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emoandsadinside/pseuds/emoandsadinside
Summary: jonah beck is a people pleaser. he puts everything he has into the persona that everyone else gave him: the popular kid, the superstar frisbee player, the perfect boyfriend. and sometimes, he really believed that’s who he was. until he met cyrus goodman, and all his hard work is starting to crumble before his eyes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so this is an au inspired by the argentinian soap opera simona and the couple blasnior. most of the plot is from that lol. if anything this is just me expressing my favoritism for jonah beck because this is my 3rd fic from his POV and showing that i have 0 original ideas. they’re aged up about 3 years or so in this fic so enjoy lol.

jonah’s pov

“okay, you might’ve beaten me, but-“

“might’ve beaten you?” buffy furrows her eyebrows. “jonah, i kicked your ass!” she boasts, a shit eating grin adorning her face as andi chuckles.

“did not!” i protest, looking at andi for support. andi and i have been dating for a few months or so now as an official couple. i mentally cringe at that, the label almost taunting me. 

“oh, babe,” andi gives me a sympathetic smile. “she totally did.” 

i immediately start listing off reasons on why she totally did not kick my ass, but buffy interrupts me, the shit eating grin still very prominent. “admit it, captain america.” she over enunciates my nickname. “buffy driscoll kicked your ass at fortnight. and she hasn’t even played before.”

“you were 8 places ahead of me!” i continue to argue with her. “i’d say that’s hardly kicking-“ just as i’m about to get into the mechanics of how she got 8 places ahead of me, her phone rings. she holds up a finger, eying me as if to say we’ll finish this later, and answering the facetime call. 

i grab my milkshake, taking an absentminded sip as buffy greets the person on the other end. andi pulls out her phone as well, doing god knows what. probably scrolling through pinterest or some shit. almost as if on que, she elbows me to get my attention, shoving a pin of a skirt made from bottle caps in my face. i smile at her, still drinking my milkshake. 

“aw, you guys ordered without me?” the straw in my mouth goes limp at the sound of the voice, and i heavily gulp down what i had in my mouth already. 

“hurry up! your shake is already here and your baby taters are on the way!” buffy smiles down at the phone. damnit. i should’ve known the baby taters would be for cyrus, i need to be paying more attention. instinctively, i reach for my backpack that’s hanging off the back of my chair. 

“i’ll literally be there in like a minute. i was with mr. everett getting help for lit.” cyrus never was the best at writing, his alien ping pong battle screenplay he wrote last year kind of gave that away. 

“okay, see you in here then.” buffy says, and i assume she ends the call. she might’ve waved, but i get up before i can see. i already have my backpack slung over my shoulder by the time the girls realize what’s going on. i make sure to pretend to be skimming through some text as well, just to make my exit look more believable. 

“jonah?” andi questions, knitting her eyebrows together. i lean down to give her a quick peck on the cheek, trying to think of a good enough excuse. “are you really leaving? again?”

“yeah.” i crack half an apologetic smile, hoping it’s convincing enough. “dad, uh, he wants me home. something about letting drax out and feeding him.” it’s a dumb lie. a really dumb, really unrealistic lie that hurts to tell. i’ve been avoiding lying for months, just, these last two weeks i’ve been getting sloppy.

“this is like, the 3rd time this week you’re bailing.” andi pouts. “can’t you just let him out and then come back?” she suggests with a hopeful smile. 

“i want to,” i say, thinking maybe that’s the right answer. thankfully andi likes what she hears as her expression softens a bit. great, okay, now i just throw something in about my dad and his job and i should be fine. “but dads working late and i don’t want to make him clean up after him, ya know?” out of the corner of my eye, i see buffy get up and wander toward the napkins. 

i look back at andi to see her contemplating for a second, and i bite my lip in anticipation. god please just, be okay. i would hate to see her upset again because of me. “fine.” i force a smile. “we’re still on for dinner on friday though, right? bex and bowie are really excited.”

“definitely,” i nod, pretty excited to see them myself to be honest. “see you tomorrow?” she nods, picking up her phone once she realizes buffy’s gone. 

i start towards the door, but before i can reach it i’m roughly pulled aside, coming face to face with buffy. she has me cornered between two tables.

“what’s going on with you?” 

my insides twist, immediately jumping to conclusions. she knows. despite noticing the increase in my breathing, i give her a confident answer and try and tell myself that she doesn’t know. she can’t know. “what do you mean?” i lift a brow, starting to scoff. “i’m going to let my dog out.”

“cut the bullshit, captain america.” she chuckles at my poor attempt in convincing her. “you’ve been avoiding cyrus for months, what you think i’m stupid?” she asks, crossing her arms. 

“buffy, come on. why would i be avoiding cyrus?” i evade her eyes and try and laugh like it’s a funny insinuation, but it’s hard when it’s true. 

“i don’t know, cap,” she shrugs. “you tell me, you’ve been acting weird lately.”

my eyes dart towards the door, willing cyrus not to walk through it. not right now, there’s no way i can handle seeing him. my breathing picks up. “i’ve just been tired recently.” i say firmly, giving it right back to her. “i gotta go. see ya tomorrow.” i grumble, turning around, thinking i’ve gotten out. but as i do so, cyrus comes walking inside the spoon with his warm brown eyes and smile that could rival the sun. if i stand here and wait for him to find andi, there’s no way she isn’t going to point out buffy and i. but if i go now, there’s a good chance i can pass him unnoticeably. before my brain can weigh the pros and cons, i feel my legs start to lunge forward. guess we’re going with the second option. i’m quickly losing control of my breathing which causes me to unconsciously slow down a few steps, falling right into cyrus’ line of vision. 

please don’t say anything, i squeeze my eyes shut, repeating the phrase over and over in my head. but the universe has other ideas, as cyrus’ starts waving. “jonah-“ i pass him, completely ignoring any attempts at interaction. i’m pulling my phone out of my pocket with whatever soberness i can muster, quickly pulling up a contact. as i round the corner outside, i catch a glimpse of cyrus’ hurt expression before completely descending into a panic attack. i gasp for air, the sudden all consuming fear setting in. thankfully i’d hit call before getting out here, so all i have to do is sit and feel like i’m about to burst into tears as it rings. it picks up on the fourth ring, a happy hello coming from the other side. i interrupt them though with another shaky intake of breath.

“amber, i’m- pan- panic attack, i’m having-” i whisper, hearing the absolute terror in my own voice. 

“jonah, breathe with me.” and she’s already fully aware of what’s going on, prompting me with the amount of times i need to be breathing in and out.

once i’ve repeated the exercise a few times, i’m finally able to breathe normally again, the all consuming fear dissipating. “jonah-“ amber starts out carefully, but knowing exactly where that’s headed, i interrupt her.

“not right now.” i say, my voice gravely and defiant.

the other end is silent except for a frustrated sigh. “jonah this is getting worse-“

“i said not right now,” i rush out, not wanting to hear the end of that sentence. “please.” it comes out pleading, not as forceful as it was.

“whatever you want,” amber surrenders, but i know she’s not happy about. the two of us have been fighting over this for months, there’s no way i’m about to give in now. “so, do you want to come over?”

i let out a breath i didn’t know i was holding. “thank you.”

•••

“well that episode was boring.” it’s a few days later and i’m at andi’s house watching reruns of catfish. bex forgot to pay the netflix bill and she’s at work right now, so we’re surfing cable for the time being. 

“it always is when the person is actually the person.” i drawl, watching andi grope around for the tv remote. when she comes up short, she slowly turns to me, a smirk on her face. 

“we could... do something else,” she suggests, batting her eyelashes innocently. 

i audibly swallow, feeling her lean closer to me. we’re already sitting impossibly close, so it’s not like she has to lean far. “i won’t say no to that.” i smile, allowing her to close the distance.

kissing andi is... nice, familiar. her lips are always soft and always taste like her kiwi lip balm. nothing that wouldn’t have excited me a few months ago. and it still does just... not like it used to. when the doorbell rings, i find myself relieved to pull my mouth away from hers. not because it doesn’t feel good, but because i’m distracted.

“is- is that,” i push my thoughts away, willing them out of my mind. “is that buffy?”

“uh, maybe?” andi sits up, reaching for her phone on the coffee table. i rub fiercely at my forehead, trying to think of anything else. this can’t be happening. not to the jonah beck, this isn’t me. or at least i hope it’s not. “a bit early though.” andi says once she’s checked the time, getting up from the couch. 

“did the doorbell ring?” i hear the back door open and bowie calling out. he’s been out there for most of the day, tending to the few little plant pots andi and bex have that they obviously don’t care enough for. bowie’s always appalled upon entering the little apartment, seeing them wither away on the kitchen windowsill.

“ya!” andi replies, bowie making his way inside. he toes off his tennis shoes, dusting as much dirt off his t-shirt as possible. i pull out my phone as andi opens the door, hearing muffled voices from that direction. footsteps are heard in the hall, and i look up to see who it is. 

“jonah, hey.” cyrus smiles, waving at me. i give him a curt nod, pulling out my phone. 

“cyrus, i’ll be with you in a minute, i need to change real quick.” bowie turns to leave but doesn’t make it a few steps before he ends up coming right back. “andi, i forgot my phone outside, will you grab it for me please?” say no, please say no. 

“sure, i’ll be back you two.” she says, her and bowie both exiting. 

“jonah,” cyrus speaks up, tentatively moving to sit down in the chair closest to me. damnit cyrus, please not now. “hey.”

“hey...” i bring my eyes to his. “what’re you doing here?” i try my best to sound curious, the last thing i want to do is hurt him more than i know i have. and it’s not like i’m exactly good at being rude to people either. 

“bowie’s interviewing me for a job at his shop.” he gives me half a smile. i look back down at my phone, thinking about what he said. normally he’d tell me something like this. “are you busy right now?”

i’m definitely not busy. “ya, uh, i am.” i respond, trying to sound as neutral as possible.

“oh, well, i just think we need to talk.” cyrus shrugs as if what he’s saying isn’t a huge deal. he’s chewing on his bottom lip, an indication that he’s just as nervous as i am. the second i realize i’m staring, i drag my eyes away and look anywhere else. 

“about?” i answer passively.

his eyes fall, and i can practically see what confidence he had draining. “i... i think you know.” 

talking to him is becoming too much, and suddenly i feel as if i’m trapped. have to get out, don’t wanna talk, my brain repeats. “well i don’t.” i stand up and shove my phone into my pocket, making a decision. 

“jonah?” jesus andi, what great timing you have. i give a discreetly frustrated smile, grabbing my hoodie from the back of the couch where i’d casually thrown it upon getting here. 

“i’m sorry, i just realized i have some packet due in astronomy.” neither of them have astronomy, so they don’t know that i really do have a packet due. well, it was actually due yesterday, but that doesn’t matter. “but i’ll meet you guys at the spoon later?”

“ya, i’ll um, i’ll walk you out.” andi offers, walking ahead of me before i even get a chance to answer. it’s quiet for a second as she shuts the door behind us, an awkward tension forming as we kind of just, stand here. 

“you’ve been acting weird around cyrus.” andi breaks it first, but it doesn’t take away from how uncomfortable it is.

“no, i, you know,” i stutter, trying to come up with something, anything. “i was just mad cuz i wanted that job at bowie’s shop.” well, it was anything. 

andi’s face scrunches up in confusion, her eyebrows knitting together. “what? you could’ve talked to bowie about it, i’m sure he would’ve given it to you.”

“ya, i mean,” i scratch the back of my head nervously. “i was planning on it i just didn’t get around to it. it’s fine though, he got to it first.”

“oh.” she nods, crossing her arms over her chest protectively. “well i’ll see you later then?”

“you will,” i say, leaning forward to give her a quick peck on the lips. “i promise. bye!” and just like that i’m running off her front steps. 

•••

“so captain america,” buffy says later that night as we’re finishing up our food. “you know how i literally and figuratively murdered you in fortnight a couple days ago?”

i roll my eyes, nursing what’s left of my milkshake. “no buffy, i don’t remember because that’s not what happened.”

“it’s exactly what happened, and i told marty about it and now he’s too scared to play me.”

“that’s literally not even true. i don’t want to play fortnight with you because i know when i beat you you’ll just want to keep playing to see if you can win. i don’t have the time, buff.” he chuckles, and i nod enthusiastically in agreement.

“dude, me!” i smile, high giving him as buffy gives a dramatic, unamused sound. 

“okay, fair, but what makes you think you’ll win?” before marty can respond, cyrus comes running up to our table.

“guys, i’m so sorry i’m late. bowie kept me for longer than i thought. should i even bother ordering?” 

“i mean, we’re not going anywhere.” buffy points a thumb at marty. “you guys?”

i can’t leave for the second time today, it would just be too obvious. “m’not.” i say, seeing andi shake her head. my pleading eyes scan the room for amber, hoping to god i’m somewhere in her eyesight. she can’t find me soon enough, and when she does she quickly makes her way over to us.

“cyrus!” she smiles cheerfully. “the usual?” 

“yes mam!” he replies with just as much excitement, and amber scribbles it down in her little notebook. 

“great! well my shifts over in a few... would you guys mind if i joined for a bit?” if amber and i could speak telepathically right now, she’d be saying one thing: i owe her. she’s been keeping her distance from the group ever since she practically left andi to be arrested when they snuck into the local fair after hours. for good reason, as most of the good hair crew haven’t exactly forgiven her for that. i don’t know why they’d look past all of it tonight but it’s worth a shot.

“no.” buffy says, not even bothering to look at her.

“i... don’t think that’s a good idea.” andi adds, trying to make things a little less harsh. amber might deserve it, but still, i hate seeing her being treated like this when she’s been making a real effort to change. and not only that, she’s been the only one helping me through all of this bullshit.

i want to interject, but i know none of them will listen to me. amber does too, that’s why she just mumbles something about putting the order in and walking off. i better go talk to her.

“uh, i’m gunna go to the bathroom.” i announce, pushing myself up from the table. “amber?”

amber turns at the sound of my voice, ushering me into the back next to the bathrooms. “sorry i just, didn’t want any of them seeing us.” she says, straining her neck to peer out at them.

“i’m sorry about that, it was my fault.” i apologize, scratching the back of my neck guiltily.

“ya i know, but who can say no to your puppy dog eyes and pouty lip?” she pokes teasingly at my lip.

i smile, rolling my eyes, pushing her arm away. my face falls when i remember why i was so adamant on having her over there. “i panicked. i really thought cyrus would be at bowie’s all night and-“

“jonah, this is starting to get ridiculous.” amber says bluntly, leaning up against the wall. she’s tired, and to be honest so am i. all of the coordinating around cyrus and having to just up and leave when he appears out of nowhere... it’s getting to me.

“you don’t think i know that?!” i ask. “the excuses are just piling up and this week, i don’t know, i just keep running into him and it’s getting obvious, i get it.” 

“well do something about it then.” amber says as her parting words, standing up straight and walking out of the hallway. 

i sigh, eying the bathroom door. might as well. i pull the door open, making my way to the sink and starting to wash my hands. just as i start pumping soap from the dispenser, i hear the door open. turning around, cyrus and is eyes meet. he quickly shuffles in beside me, opting to not say anything. and that bothers me. it’s obvious he’s trying to give me what i asked for, what i literally asked for earlier today, but maybe amber’s right. the more i keep this up, the more my anxiety controls me.

“did you...” i did it. i said it, he heard me, and now it’s time to follow through. i mean i got myself this far. cyrus’ head snaps towards me, understandably startled. “did you tell anyone?”

cyrus knits his eyebrows together, turning off the tap. i realize i should probably do the same as the waters just kind of been running over my clean hands. “i wouldn’t do that.” he says, his eyes becoming sympathetic. “is that why you haven’t been talking to me this whole time? you thought i’d tell someone?”

“maybe-“ and here’s where i become a disaster that can’t form proper sentences. “andi and i, we’re- we’re officially together now, cyrus. i cant have anything screwing that up!” i didn’t mean for that to come out so forceful, so demanding. i loosen my shoulders up a bit realizing how tense they are, calming down as much as i can. i cant have a panic attack right now, i can’t let the anxiety win. 

“you... think i’m gunna screw it up?” cyrus tries to piece together the nonsense i’m spewing. 

“no, i- i...” i give a frustrated sigh, scrubbing my hands over my face as i turn away from him. nothing is coming out how i wanted it to. “can we just pretend like nothing happened? please?” my voice is so broken, so desperate.

i can’t see his face, and i did that on purpose. i know i’d crumble if i did. “okay.”

i face him. “okay?”

“ya, i mean, it was just a kiss, a mistake. not a big deal.” he shrugs, heading out the door. instead of relieved, i somehow feel worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr: itoldheraboutyou


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s been awhile i know lol. sorry about the short chapter, you’ll get more interaction next time, promise. again this is based off of a soap opera plot that jumps from storyline to storyline, meaning scenes are 3 minutes at most which doesn’t give me a lot to work with. but don’t worry, there’s a lot of original content going in here too. none of this makes sense, enjoy the chapter.

walking to bowie’s shop is probably going to be harder than actually speaking to cyrus, or at least that’s what i’m telling myself. it’s been three days since our talk in the bathroom, and cyrus hasn’t so much as looked at me. after stressing out and mentioning it to amber, she suggested i go straight to him and ask about it in hopes of lessening the anxiety. i wasn’t even skeptical, anything to calm down. is this called being irrational? oh well, i’m here now. just as i’m about to reach out and grab the door handle, i notice a figure at the counter. i squint, putting a hand over my eyes to shield the sun so i can look clearly through the glass. it’s none other than tj kippen, jefferson middle schools resident sexist basketball player. i open the door and slip inside, going remotely unseen. upon further inspection, tj is leaning up against the counter and smiling at cyrus. a strange feeling festers inside of me as i try and listen to what they’re saying. i can’t hear them, but i know that if i could whatever this feeling is would be worse. exasperated, i walk right up to them, any consequences be damned. “hey cyrus.” i say, completely ignoring tj.

“jonah, hi.” cyrus says, sounding a little surprised.

“uh,” tj clears his throat. “hey.”

i don’t even look his way. “cyrus i wanted to talk to you.”

“okay,” cyrus says slowly, lifting his eyebrows. “tj-“

“ya, no, i have to go anyway.” he interrupts him, straightening up. “bye cyrus. jonah.” he gives me the fakest smile i’ve ever seen, even faker than one of mine.

cyrus waves, and i wait until i hear the door close before deciding that this is absolutely irrational. “what was he doing here?”

cyrus looks a little taken aback, but he answers me. “um, we’ve been hanging out recently.” he says, finishing up cleaning the counter which i just now notice he’s doing.

“i thought he was scary basketball guy?” i scoff. is this even anger? i don’t know what it is but i’m upset.

“well, now he’s not so scary basketball guy.” he shrugs, coming out from behind the counter. does he not see the flaw in any of this?

“cyrus, he’s a bully! i don’t want you-“ i stop myself mid sentence. what don’t i want him doing? “i don’t want him,” i rephrase. “bullying you.”

“jonah,” cyrus smiles. “i appreciate that you worry but i’m fine, really.” his bright smile paired with his eyes is distracting, so distracting i forget where i am for a second. “hey-“ cyrus reaches towards me but i flinch out of the way.

“why have you been ignoring me?” i blurt, seeing cyrus’ face change from worry to confusion. does tj have anything to do with this?

“what?”

“the last few days,” i rush to try and get out everything i wanted to say. “you’ve been distant.”

“i’ve been distant because i thought that’s what you wanted from me.” cyrus explains, sounding a bit defensive.

oh my god, of course it’s my fault. everything is nowadays. “no, no that’s- that’s the opposite of what i want from you!” i babble, everything i wanted to say completely out the window at this point.

cyrus waits until i shut up, which takes me longer than you’d think. everything is just coming out... wrong. “i just don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” he says, as if the whole situation really comes down to that.

“it’s not like that. i- i just thought we were good, ya know? like, we talked about our thing and- and i just, we can talk now.” i say, hoping this will come across the way i’m hoping.

“jonah, you’re making this really hard for me.” he says, sounding so lost.

“hard?”

“you say one thing one day and something different the next. you need to be clear with me jonah, i’m not a mind reader.” he says, almost pleading.

“you’re right.” i sigh, admitting defeat. he’s totally right, but it’s not like i know how to control whatever’s going on with me. “i... just had a really hard time after the kiss, okay?” i take a deep breath, realizing that’s the most honest i’ve been in awhile. “you had people you could talk to, i didn’t.”

“jonah,” cyrus shakes his head as his eyebrows knit together, searching my eyes for something. “you could’ve talked to me-“

“no, i’m not...” i can’t even say the word, that’s how bad this is. “i like girls.”

cyrus looks away from me. “i know.”

“so you were right when you said it was a mistake.” i really just enjoy digging my own grave, and it seems that’s where i’m taking these lies.

“if it really was a mistake,” he locks eyes with me. “then why are you so nervous around me?” i open my mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.

“cyrus?” i’m about ready to get on my knees and start thanking god for creating bowie quinn, just for saving me from this conversation. bowie sticks his head inside from the back door. “oh, hey jonah.” he smiles upon seeing me, opening the door fully and walking inside.

“hey,” i say, trying to sound like i’m not absolutely panicking.

“can i grab cyrus for a minute?” he asks, grabbing the cloth cyrus was using to wipe down the counter with earlier and drying his hands with it.

“ya, actually, i was just leaving.” i wave awkwardly at them. “see you guys.”

•••

“he said we could forget about it,” i rant, shoving another baby tater into my mouth.

“jonah-“

“and then he has the audacity to ask me why i’m nervous around him?!” i say through a full mouth.

amber rolls her eyes at me. “jonah-“

“and he said it was a mistake too, like can you believe-“

“JONAH!” amber raises her voice, causing me to stop talking all together. i shut my mouth completely, shrinking into myself and paying her my full attention. “are you sure you’re not saying this because it wasn’t a mistake?”

“are you kidding?” i spit, crossing my arms and leaning back into the booth we’re currently sitting in. “amber, we’ve talked about this.”

“i know but like, you seem upset that he thinks it was a mistake.” she tries to reason with me, but i don’t want to hear it. i can’t think about it.

“well i’m not.” i huff out childishly. “i’m upset that he’s accusing me of being nervous around him.”

“and i get that...” amber tries with a tentative hint in her voice. “jonah, i’m just afraid that you’re not being completely honest with yourself-“

“i’m being honest with myself! i don’t care that cyrus likes boys but i like girls, okay? how many times do i have to say it?!” i almost growl, getting frustrated with not just her, but myself.

“okay, i’m sorry. i just want you to be happy, you know i do.” she says. i look up at her and nod my head begrudgingly. “then be honest and tell me what happened back there wasn’t jealousy.”

“jealousy?!” i snicker, snapping back into an upward position. “jealous of who? tj?” amber nods. “i have nothing to be jealous of, okay? i was just trying to protect him.”

“from tj?” amber tries to clarify, looking the slightest bit amused.

i nod. “he’s a terrible person.”

amber frowns, biting her lip. “okay, so maybe he’s a terrible person,”

“is,” i mumble, jutting my bottom lip out in a pout.

she continues on, ignoring me. “but i used to be a terrible person.” i mean, she’s not wrong.

“that’s different.”

“how is it different?” she asks expectingly, like there’s really a disagreement here.

“because,” i lean back again. “you’re not a sexist bully that only cares about himself.” so maybe i’m being petty, and amber gives me a look that says i’m definitely being petty. i smile smugly at her, satisfied with my answer despite that. not being able to hide a smile, she admits defeat and sighs. “see, you can’t argue with me.”

“i cant argue with you when you’re right. he is an asshole.” she says, standing up. “alright, i’m done dealing with your shit today.”

“you say that like you don’t enjoy it!” i tease her, earning another eye roll.

“hush,” she reprimands me. “i have a shift to work.” she waves before heading into the kitchen of the spoon.

i check my phone, seeing that it’s almost six thirty. i might as well head home.

•••

i open the door to my apartment, closing it behind me. my older brother daniel and i are with our dad this week, meaning a lot of chores and microwave dinners. it’s really not his fault he’s not around as much as he’d like to be, in the divorce agreement he insisted my mom have the house and most of what was inside. he rents this two bedroom apartment in downtown shadyside and works late shifts in order to keep daniel and i here, so picking up the extra housework is really only a small sacrifice on our part.

“jonah? is that you?” daniel calls from our bedroom. daniel is finishing up his last semester of his first year in community college, but he’s hoping to transfer to a state school as soon as possible, meaning he's living at home until then.

“hey,” i reply coldly, walking inside, still shaken up from my conversation with amber. he’s sitting at our shared desk, his laptop open in front of him. i walk right past, tossing my phone onto my bed and grabbing some sweatpants from my closet. i start for the door again, trying to get into the bathroom as quickly as possible. but daniel stops me, holding a hand up. great.

“woah, where are you going?”

i try and shove his hand out of my way. “the bathroom, stalker.”

“jesus jonah, you don’t have to be a dick.” he says defensively, pulling his hand back to himself. “i just wanted to tell you that dad took an extra shift tonight. i already did the laundry, but i have a paper due tomorrow. will you load the dishwasher please?” he asks, running a hand through his curly brown hair. i’ve always been jealous of it, it’s a trait from mom. i take a better look at him, realizing he looks tired, both physically and mentally. he must’ve worked after his classes today.

“ya, i’ll do it.” i sigh, not looking forward to that. “now let me shower?” daniel just bites his lip nodding towards the door.

“go.”

•••

i walk back into daniel and i’s shared bedroom after loading the dishwasher, hoping he’s too busy to talk to me again. but apparently today is just not my day, because i can’t even get to my closet before he’s opening his mouth.

“you got a text.” he says, not even looking up from his computer.

i pick up my phone from where it’s lying face down on my gray comforter, turning it over to find a text from andi.

“who’s it from?” daniel turns around in the spinny office chair, more interested now.

“andi...” i say absentmindedly, reading over the text.

_hey, just wanted to make sure you’re still coming over for dinner tomorrow?_

“how are you guys anyway?” daniel asks, probably just for a distraction from his paper. college does not seem fun.

i roll my eyes, typing out a simple confirmation before turning my phone off and looking up at him.

“great.” i drone, walking over to my closet and opening it up.

“what about your other friends? how are they?”

i yank a t-shirt from one of my hangers, pulling it over my damp head. “which ones?” my brother pretty much only sees the side everyone else sees, the jonah with a lot of friends. gotta keep up the image, right?

“cyrus? did i get that right?” he asks, habitually running his hand through his hair again.

i knit my eyebrows together, turning away from him. why does he care? “uh, ya, he’s... he’s fine. why?”

“i was worried for him after he came out, ya know?” he says, and i hear him swivel his chair back around. i take the opportunity to get into bed.

“you were?” i’m surprised to say the least. i didn’t know my brother even thought about any of my friends.

“well, ya. there’s mean kids everywhere, jonah.” he shrugs as i pull my comforter up to my neck.

“ya, there is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr: itoldheraboutyou


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the love i’ve gotten on the past two chapters! it means a lot to hear feedback. so, trying this new weekly update thing lol. don’t hold me to it though because i do tend to burn out rather easily. anyway, more interaction as promised. enjoy, friendos. :)

i’m leaning up against the counter of judy’s bloom, quietly watching as cyrus puts together a bouquet of flowers. it’s late, so late we’re the only ones left in the store. it was the last day of school, so we were out with everyone earlier, that’s why i’m here now. but there’s an eery feel to the place when it’s empty, despite having all the lights on. its very apocalyptic in a scary way, but maybe that’s just because i’ve been watching the walking dead. cyrus is overseeing a myriad of flowers, taking his time in choosing the right ones. his fingers brush gently over a particular white flower, taking a quick pause to rub the velvety petals between his fingers.

“what kind of flower is that?” i ask, my gaze lingering on it as cyrus moves on. he picks up another kind of flower before returning to the counter, his calculating eyes running over his selections.

“that was a gardenia.” he replies without looking at me. instead he focuses his attention on the flowers in front of him, switching two that seem to have been in the wrong place. i smile slightly, observing him work so meticulously.

“i like that one,” i look back at the flower. “it’s pretty.” cyrus is so caught up in his work i doubt he heard me, but he speaks again after a second.

“i can’t put it in the bouquet, it won’t match.”

“doesn’t matter, just thought it was pretty.” i shrug, seeing cyrus gather up the flowers and hold them up, looking at them how they should be looked at. he sighs with uncertainty, setting them back down on the table. “when did you become interested in all this?” i wonder aloud, my eyes only leaving his working hands to see him determinedly biting his lip.  
“aren’t you like, allergic to everything in here?”

cyrus chuckles, “ya, probably. i spend half my time getting yelled at by bowie because i don’t want to touch anything and the other half running away from bees.”

“sounds fun.” i deadpan.

“very, actually. well, the bees are traumatizing,” he clarifies, and i grin.  
“but i’ve always been into flowers. another nerdy, uninteresting thing about me i guess.” 

i roll my eyes, tempted to reach out and lightly shove his shoulder, but i don’t. “i mean, everyone has uninteresting shit about them. i don’t think that is though. nerdy? definitely-“

“okay, okay, we get it, i’m a nerd.” he mumbles, annoyed, and i smile at him teasingly. “i’m a nerd and i’m jewish, i’m a literal walking stereotype.”

i laugh, continuing to watch him. after a few more minutes of working and reworking the arrangement, he pulls out a ribbon from one of the drawers and ties it neatly around the middle. “there. azaleas, yellow tulips, and white carnations.” 

“it took you that long to put together 3 kinds of flowers?”

“excuse me!” cyrus raises his voice in foe offense. “shut up jonah, artistry like this takes time!”

“oh, artistry,” i say in air quotes. “i’m sorry.”

“i’m talented!”

“they’re flowers, cyrus.”

“don’t let them hear you say that!” cyrus hisses, covering the flowers lightly with his hand. 

i laugh, “jesus, i didn’t know they were capable of being offended!”

“very capable and very offended.” cyrus shakes his head with a grin. 

“how much do i owe you?” i ask, reaching to get my wallet from my back pocket.

“nothing, these are for bex and bowie, right?”

i nod, suddenly remembering that’s why i’m here. damn, it’s so easy to get lost when i’m around him.

“take em, bowie won’t care.” cyrus shrugs, coming out from behind the counter and handing me the bouquet. we’re close now, the only thing between us are the flowers.

“he will with you giving flowers away for free like this!” i warn with a slight chuckle. cyrus shakes his head. 

“no one else. just for you, jolamajama.” i smile at the old nickname. just me. “why are you going all out anyway? bex and bowie already know you, what’s so important about this dinner?” he asks, moving back behind the counter. there’s more than just curiosity in his voice, but i can’t quite pinpoint exactly what it is. the space in front of me feels too empty now, i want him where he was.

“wanna keep the image up, ya know?” i chuckle, trying to play it off as a joke. i get a sudden wash of déjà vu, having thought the same phrase while talking to my brother last night. cyrus just nods.

“of course. you better be on your way then.”

i frown, thinking about having to leave. i should want to go to andi’s, i should want to go impress bex and bowie because i’m dating their daughter. and i do, of course i want to do that, i’m gunna go do that. “you’re right, i’m gunna be late. see you?”

cyrus nods, giving me a wave. i walk up to the door with my bouquet, turning the doorknob and- i turn the doorknob and... okay the doors not opening. i start jiggling the knob, but it won’t budge. great.

“uh, cyrus, the door won’t open.” i inform him. his eyebrows knit together, coming over to the door. he tries the same thing, even pushes at it, but it still won’t budge.

“shit,” cyrus curses, running his hand through his hair nervously. “shit!” he says again, beginning to pace. “oh my god, jonah, we’re stuck in here!” he whines, grabbing my arm. i feel a sense of pride as cyrus grips my arm for comfort, like he feels safer when he touches me.

“cy, it’s okay,” i reassure him, lightly touching his arm with my other hand before pulling free. i walk over to the counter and set the flowers down. “let me just call bowie, okay, we’re gunna be fine.” 

cyrus nods, walking closer to me as i pull out my phone. i try bowie a few times, but nothing. cyrus is really freaking out now. 

i sigh, setting my phone down on the counter too. “no ones answering me.”

“jonah, i don’t want to die in a flower shop called judy's bloom!” he starts pacing again. 

“hey,” i walk over to him, getting into his space. “hey, you’re not going to die in here, okay? i promise. just- is there something in here i can open the door with? like, a screwdriver?”

cyrus nods, “in the back, i think. what’s that going to do, though?”

“just get the screwdriver?”

he goes into the back, coming out with a screwdriver. when he hands it to me, i suddenly realize that i genuinely have no idea what to do with it. okay, let’s just, uh, go to the door first. i walk over to the door and kneel in front of it, having an internal debate with myself about why i ever thought this was a good idea.

“be careful.” cyrus says in the background as i try and pry the door open. which is actually pretty ironic because instead of prying the door open, my hand slips and cuts itself on the exposed wood.

“fuck!” i hiss, the screwdriver clattering to the floor. i ignore it, too distracted with gripping my hand and biting my tongue so i don’t scream.

“jonah!” cyrus is immediately at my side, clutching my arm with both hands. “are you okay? what the hell did you do?”

“well, honestly i had no idea what i was doing and now my hands bleeding!” i smile sarcastically through clenched teeth.

“damnit jonah,” cyrus rolls his eyes, and i feel like a puppy being scolded. “you’re an actual idiot, come on.” he sighs, dragging me to the counter. he disappears into the back again, coming out with a med kit. 

cyrus reaches out and grabs my hand, holding it tightly in his grasp. he walks me over to the sink in the bathroom, shoving my hand into the cold water. 

relief washes over the wound, and i can breathe properly again. cyrus makes me sit with my hand under the running water for a minute or so, and when i say make i mean he makes me. when he finally does let me leave, he leads me back over to the counter and pulls out some disinfectant.

“cyrus, jesus, please not that shit!” i plead, but cyrus just smiles, amused at my discomfort.

“should i say the overused, innuendo line?” his smile turns into a smirk, and i groan. 

“if you must.”

the brunette plays doctor, pouring some disinfectant into the bottles cap and dabbing some gauze into it. “this might sting a little.”

i make an attempt to groan again, but it turns into a genuine cry of pain. 

“sorry, sorry, sorry!” cyrus repeats as he cringes, trying not to look at me as i writhe around like a wounded animal.

the sting finally subdues, and i yank my hand from cyrus’ grip. “alright, that’s enough of that demon water.”

“demon water?!” cyrus full on cackles, and i crack half a smile.

“there’s holy water, and then there’s that. it’s demon water!” i try and connect logic to it, but cyrus just shakes his head fondly.

“honestly, i’m jewish, so i can neither confirm nor deny if that’s how holy water actually works.”

“is that not how it works? i’ve had limited experience with it.” cyrus reaches back in the med kit to get a bandaid. 

“you’ve had experience with holy water? why am i thinking that probably ended terribly? 

“because it did,” i watch as cyrus unwraps the bandaid and gently places it on my cut. “my moms been convinced our house has been haunted since we moved in, so a couple years ago she bought some holy water off of ebay and just covered our house with it.” 

“seriously? my step mom just talks to the ghost in our house.” cyrus says as if that’s completely normal.

“she talks to it?”

“she’s a jewish woman jonah, they’ll complain to anything that’ll listen. must be where i get it from.” i open my mouth to reply, but before i can do that my phone rings. 

“jonah? we’ve been waiting for you over here, why did you call me?” bowie answers. 

i watch as cyrus starts closing the med kit. “we’re trapped in judy’s bloom, the door won’t open.”

“we?”

“cyrus is with me.”

“oh. well, all you have to do is tilt the doorknob up and then turn.” bowie gives me the directions.

“ever heard of fixing it?” i quip, and he laughs.

“i’m sorry, really. i’ll get someone to fix it tomorrow, okay? we’ll see you in a bit.”

i glance over at cyrus, who’s looking at me expectantly with his big brown eyes. “see you in a bit.” i decide, grabbing the bouquet from the counter and approaching the door. i follow bowie’s instructions, tilting the knob up and then turning. with a click, the door gives way and opens. cyrus races out before me, frolicking aimlessly on the sidewalk.

“freedom! oh, thank god i didn’t die in there! i was not wearing a good sweater for that.” he dramatically informs me.

“i think it would’ve been fine. the one you’re wearing right now is pretty docious.” 

cyrus rolls his eyes. “jonah, we just escaped death. leave that phrase in the 8th grade where it belongs.”

laughing, my eyes look down at the sidewalk before flicking back up. it had to end sooner or later. “i better go. thanks for uh-“ i hold up the bouquet and my injured hand. 

“no problem. feels good to be the one not getting hurt.”

i smile, “bye cyrus.”

•••

“hey, jonah!” bex greets me as she opens the door. “come in!”

i shuffle inside, handing the bouquet over to  
her with my signature jonah grin. “for you.”

“oh jonah, this is so sweet.” bex says just as bowie and andi approach. “andi, your boyfriend is so gentleman like. you found a good one!” she winks as i cringe at the word boyfriend.

andi hugs me, kissing me on the cheek. “hey.”

“hey.” i reply.

“you want me to take these?” bowie gestures to the bouquet and bex nods.

“please. to tell you the truth i don’t even know if we have vases.”

bowie chuckles, “i’ll find something.” the girls make their way into the kitchen, leaving bowie and i here.

“is this why you were at the shop?” he asks, and i nod. he inspects the arrangement, and suddenly his smile dissolves into a frown. “so cyrus put this together then?” 

“mhm, it’s really pretty, isn’t it?”

“huh,” bowie’s eyes flicker between me and the flowers, a knowing look in them. “very pretty. you must be starving, huh? let’s eat!”

i follow him into the kitchen, the smell of food filling my senses. i shake off the uncomfortable feeling i got from that exchange, trying my best to get out of my head. i’m just not feeling like myself i guess? or maybe i’m feeling too much like myself.

we sit down and start eating dinner that thankfully, bowie cooked.

“you’re not picky, are you jonah? i made burgers and fries, figured you’d be chill.” i hear him explain, passing a plate to andi. 

“oh, uh, ya no, definitely not picky.” i chuckle nervously, taking the plate as andi hands it to me. 

“that’s good. so uh, i don’t know what to talk about at these things, this is my first one.” bex says bluntly, looking a little lost. 

“mom, why don’t you ask jonah about frisbee?” andi offers. i can tell she’s trying to be helpful, but honestly there’s not really much for me to talk about.

bex takes a drink of water, setting her glass back down before responding. “oh ya, how’s that going?”

“well,” i mumble, running my tongue over my chapped lips. “it’s summer now, and the season doesn’t start till school does, so.”

“you must be practicing though?”

“i mean, when i find the time.” i shrug, taking a second bite of the fry i’ve been nursing this whole time. 

andi kicks me under the table, sending me a nasty look when i turn to glare at her. i try and straighten up and force a smile, but i can’t stop thinking about if i were at cyrus’ instead. i wonder if his parents are as entertaining as he says.

i answer a few more superficial questions about senior year and my future and to tell you the truth i bullshit my way through every one. it’s not like they were pushy, bex and bowie never are. i just think they were at a loss for what to talk to me about, and it’s not like i was giving them any help. after awhile the two get into their own conversation that i haven’t been paying attention to, and andi stands up. 

“jonah and i are done,” i ate half my burger and a single fry. “can we go set up the board games while you guys finish up?”

“sure, take your plates to the sink though.”

we both nod, picking up our plates and bringing them to the sink. i rinse them both off before andi physically pulls me into her bedroom.

“what’s going on?” she whirls around on me, looking upset. 

“what do you mean?” i ask despite knowing exactly what she means.

andi huffs out a breath, sitting down on her made bed. “jonah if you didn’t want to come tonight you should’ve just told me-“

“i did want to come!” i say exasperatedly, sitting down next to her. did i though? no, i wanted to come and show bex and bowie how good of a boyfriend i am... oh.

“then why weren’t you there?” she throws her hands up, clearly frustrated. “they were trying to talk to you and were just- somewhere else.” 

“i know, you’re- you’re right, i was, i just- i’m...” i trail off, licking over my lips as i glance down at the floor, and then back up to her. “sorry.”

she drops her shoulders, shifting uncomfortably. “jonah, what’s been going on with you? you’ve been acting so- weird lately,” she looks at a loss for words, not really knowing how to describe my behavior. i don’t either.

i fold my hands in between my legs, keeping my gaze on the floor. “what is me acting weird to you?”

“what?”

“you said i was acting weird.” i’m just curious, i don’t know. what does she really define as me not being me? do i even know? i’ve been wearing a mask for so long.

“look, jonah,” she says, and i take that as a hint to turn towards her. “we’ve been on and off the past couple years and i just thought, ya know, that this would be a turning point for us in wanting something more serious.”

“it was, it is.” i reply automatically, stumbling over myself.

“jonah you weren’t even mentally present-“

“i’m just tired, well, i’ve been tired. that’s it, alright? i’m okay.” i try and reassure her despite my breathing starting to get heavier. goddamnit, not now. “can i uh, call daniel and let him know i’ll be home late?” 

andi smiles bitterly at me. “jonah i think you should just go home.”

“what? babe, i’m just tired-“ she stands up, opening the door for me. 

“we’ll talk later, i just need some time.” she says, her mind made up. i can’t even argue with her, my breathing is getting uneven and i’d rather not be here when i start to panic. i nod, standing up and following her out the door.

“mom, dad, jonah isn’t feeling well. he’s gunna go home.” andi announces upon entering the room.

“aw, are you sure?” bex gives us a confused look from where she’s standing over the sink. 

“very.” andi stares daggers at me. i guess i deserve that.

“well, i’m sorry, kid. hope you feel better.” bex says, looking over at bowie.

bowie smiles, coming over to clap me on the back. “ya, it was great having you.”

i thank them both before following andi to the door, struggling to keep myself under control. we say goodbye, and as soon as she shuts the door behind me i’m off to panic alone. i would call amber but it’s too late, she’d have my head if i woke her up right now. oh well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr: itoldheraboutyou


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> let’s just say things happen lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god. i am so sorry lol. i know i told you guys not to hold me to my schedule (thanks for doing that by the way) but i just feel so bad about saying you’d get a chapter weekly and then just leaving for 3 weeks. i really didn’t think i was gunna get burnt out as quick as i did, but here we are. from now on, there will be no schedule, i’m sorry! you’ll get content though, don’t worry. anyway, enjoy. ;)

“but then she-“

“got mad at you, i know.” amber mumbles as she clears the table behind me. “you told me.”

“amber i’m having a crisis-“

“when are you not having a crisis?!” she spits frustratingly, slamming the plates she’d taken from the other table onto mine.

“well sorry my problems are bothering you!” i retort, crossing my arms.

amber rolls her eyes. “god, you’re such a drama queen. jonah, your problems aren’t bothering me, but my break ended 15 minutes ago. as much as i’d love to play therapist for you, i have a job.” damn, that stung. i bite my lip and lift my arms to rest on the table, backing off for the time being. amber sighs, putting her hand on my shoulder. “thank you. call me later, alright? i charge $300 a phone call.”

i swat at her arm, a small, amused smile spreading on my face. one thing that would never change about amber is that she’s blunt, always has been always will. and she never sugarcoated anything even if it stings, like right now. i think i need that, i don’t know. i’ve always been mainly surrounded by yes men, so having amber around to tell me the truth and hold me accountable has been a nice change. amber gives me a final, thankful nod before heading off towards the kitchen. i might as well get out of here, amber hates when i hang around while she’s working for reasons i just witnessed. my bad. i’m about to stand up when in my peripheral vision i see cyrus walk through the door. he spots me almost immediately, and i, without thinking, wave him over.

“hey.” he smiles, sliding into the booth across from me. i’ve always liked that smile, it always seems brighter around me.

“hey.”

“so, what’s up?” he asks, not even hesitating before delving into my basket of baby taters.

“literally nothing.”

“well,” cyrus says, standing up apruptly. “let’s go then.”

“what?”

“andi told me you wanted my job. the shop is empty and bowie is busy working at the music store, he left me with a ton of stuff to do. we’re gunna go do it.” he says like i should’ve known. to be fair, what i should’ve known is that saying i wanted the job at judy bloom’s was going to come back to bite me in the ass. is this a bite though? i get to hang out with cyrus. “well, are you coming?”

i nod, getting up from my seat with a smile. cyrus smiles back, looking almost relieved. i don’t know why he would, i could never say no to him.

•••

“so what’re we doing?” i ask absentmindedly as we walk the streets of shadyside. cyrus glances at me fleetingly before shoving his hands into the pockets of his chinos.

“well, i’m gunna be filling arrangement orders and you are gunna be doing the dirty work... because you’re obviously much more equipped.”

“oh, is that right?” i tease him, a small smile forming on his lips. “i’d be flattered if it weren’t for the fact that i know you’re just afraid of nature.”

“it’s a healthy fear!” he persists.

“why did you get a job here then?” i ask as we approach the shop. cyrus pulls open the door, letting it swing closed after i’ve let myself in.

“i like putting arrangements together, or, the flower part. the other stuff i didn’t think i’d have to do.” he replies, grabbing a pair of gloves off the counter and handing them to me.

“and why do i need these?” i raise an eyebrow, cautiously taking them from him.

“i told you i’m making arrangements, i need you to dethorn some roses.”

“and how am i more equipped for this?” i chuckle, sliding my fingers through a glove.

“because my hands are fragile!” he says matter-a-factly. “you play frisbee, i figured yours would be tougher and like, calloused.”

i let out a full laugh at cyrus’ conclusion causing him to pout. “cyrus, i’m not playing volleyball, jesus. throwing a frisbee around won’t give you callouses.”

cyrus reaches out, snatching my other ungloved hand from my side. “it’s tougher than mine though, don’t you feel it? my skin is like tissue paper compared to yours.” the feeling of cyrus’ hand in mine is surprisingly familiar, or it should be. i let out a breath, my shoulders loosening up. cyrus pulls my hand towards him, turning it over palm up, as if showing me. “see?”

i nod, and he lets go, walking behind the counter. “so where are the roses?” i ask, looking around.

  
cyrus points to a huge pile sat in front of him and i grumble sheepishly, saying some kind of excuse for my unintelligence. i grab a rose and start picking at it, thorn by thorn, as cyrus rolls out some paper and starts arranging.

“you never answered my question from last time. before we, ya know, got trapped.” i say, shaking off a particular thorn that had gotten caught in my glove into the trash cyrus had kicked out from under the counter.

“what question?” he asks, the same focused look on his face that was there that night. it takes a lot for me not to get distracted by it.

“why you’re into all this.” i wave a gloved hand over his current project.

“i believe you asked me when and not why,” he corrects me, and i make a face back. “and i answered you, just kind of always.”

“well okay, why then? what’s the tea?”

cyrus’ hands stop abruptly, and i realize that he’s gaping at me.

“did you just say what’s the tea?!”

“ya, amber taught it to me.” i let slip, hoping he doesn’t get angry over the fact that that insinuates i hang out with her. instead, he bursts out laughing, literally doubling over he gets so worked up.

after a minute or so, he straightens up and says through heavy breaths; “tell her i love her, oh my god,” calmed down for the most part.

“better than docious?” he turns back to his flowers, still giggling. “way better.”

“alright, i get it, you didn’t need to say way.” i joke, picking off another thorn and letting it fall into the trash can.

“so the tea is,” he emphasizes tea, and i catch him smiling to himself. “flowers have their own language.”

“language?”

“ya so, i’m making this bouquet for austin knight-“

“knight? are you talking about cece’s neighbors?” i ask, cyrus nods.

“mhm. according to austin, him and lilian had a fight, and purple hyacinth means “i’m sorry.” he places one last branch of foliage into his bouquet of purple, and then wraps it.

“what do these mean?” i wonder, resorting to scraping the stem, causing multiple thorns to pop off.

“love.” he answers simply, finishing off the white bow he’d tied around the hyacinths and then set them down gently into a large vase. “but only the red ones. yellow ones mean friendship, white means sympathy, and pink ones mean gratitude.”

“well shit,” i exclaim with a lopsided grin, it’s intriguing to say the least. i like that, i don’t know. i like that a simple gesture that i never gave any thought to before now has meaning. maybe that’s why cyrus likes them so much, maybe he relates.

“those ones?” i point to a a certain bucket on the bottom shelf.

“jonah, i’m not where you are i can’t see them.” he chides with an eye roll. “what color are they?”

“orange.” i answer him, straining my neck to examine it further.

“well you’re probably looking at orange lilies, those mean hatred.”

“damn, so you can be like, totally fake to someone?” i ask, letting out a whimper when my sliding technique backfires and gets me stabbed. “fuck, these gloves don’t even work!” cyrus chuckles, glancing over at me.

“do i need to get the first aid kit again?”

“cyrus, i’m dethorning a rose, what do you want from me?” i whine, shaking my hand around wildly knowing that it’s probably not doing anything. cyrus just chuckles, shaking his head fondly at me as i struggle.

“hey, what did the flowers i gave bex and bowie mean?” i ask, ripping the glove off my hand.

cyrus bites his lip, bring his eyes back to what’s in front of him. “uh, good luck and kindness.” i nod, too distracted with my finger to really think about it. “speaking of,” he clears his throat. “how was dinner?”

i groan, shoving my hand back in the glove despite the dull ache. “didn’t andi tell you?”

“she did, but i wanna know your side of the story... if you wanna tell me.”

i pick up another rose, going back to removing the thorns individually. i almost smile at cyrus caring about what i have to say. “what if you have other motives?” i joke, though i am worried about that.

“like what? telling andi? this is your stuff to figure out, i don’t want to be involved. besides, she may be one of my best friends but you’re important to me too.” he says nonchalantly, walking out from behind the counter and bending down to grab what i think are tulips. i lick my dry lips, his last sentence ringing in my ear.

“well, i did space out. like i wasn’t mentally there. just thinking of some- some stuff.” which is the truth. “stuffs been like, weird, i guess.”

“is everything okay? are you okay?” cyrus asks, setting down the flower in his hand and looking me dead in the eyes. i could say yes, but i’m tired. i’m really tired.

“not... really?”

cyrus rests his elbows on the counter, purposefully avoiding the roses i’m working and smiling sympathetically at me. “okay,” i give him a questioning look, biting my tongue. maybe i shouldn’t of said anything, god i really shouldn’t of. did i totally just fuck up? “well what’s wrong?”

i let out a breath i didn’t know i was holding. “i just get like, overwhelmed sometimes ya know?” is that too much? does he even care? of course he cares, why would he have asked then? i realize i’m arguing with my anxiety and i try and drown it out.

“i do, and it sucks. like it just hits you out of nowhere and you’re like “okay, gotta deal with this now, it’s not like i was doing anything important!” we laugh, and i smile down at the rose in my hands. it’s the last one.

“that’s exactly what it feels like.” cyrus opens his mouth to say something else, but then my phone goes off in my pocket. i fish it out, skimming over the texts from andi.

_can you come over? we need to talk about friday_

i look up at cyrus who’s started to work again, messing with various foliage branches. “its andi, she wants to talk. you don’t mind if i-“

“no,” he interrupts, his eyes never leaving the foliage. “go ahead, i get it. thanks for helping me.”

i take off the gloves and set them down next to the new dethorned pile of roses and head to the door. the doors open and i have a foot out before i stop dead in my tracks. “i’ll text you.”

he still doesn’t look at me, but i can see his lips turn up shyly. “okay.”

•••

should i be nervous? i don’t know, she didn’t give me any indication that i should be. then why does it feel like the anxiety is slowly creeping up my throat? i bite down hard on my lip and attempt to swallow any fear i have as i walk up the steps to andi’s apartment building. god, my heart rate is way too high for a simple talk. i start going over my apology in my head, making sure it’s absolutely perfect. i can’t take any chances. it takes me a second, but before i know it i’m knocking on her door. the next fifteen seconds are absolutely grueling, what does she need to say to me? i can’t even try and reassure myself before andi opens the door, looking less than pleased. there’s no smile, or happy kiss hello, but it’s not like i was expecting that.

“hey, come in.” she offers, opening the door up wider for me to step in. as soon as she closes the door, an uncomfortable aura washes over the room. i can practically feel the awkward as we just stand there, staring at each other. finally, andi sighs, going to sit on the couch. i follow, hoping that’s what she wants to me to do. it’s still just as awkward, but now we’re sitting down.

“can i go first?” i blurt out, the silence becoming too much. “please?” i give her a pleading look, but she’s not looking at me.

andi doesn’t look surprised, relieved maybe. she nods, and i take a deep breath. “i am so sorry about dinner. i did space out, that wasn’t a lie, but being tired was not an excuse for how rude i came off-“

“you’re right, it wasn’t.” she interrupts, her voice icy.

“and i will apologize to bex and bowie also. but andi, i want you to know that i did know how important that dinner was for you- for us. and i wanted it to be a turning point too.”

andi’s breath hitches and she slowly runs her hands down her legs, her eyes trained on the carpet. “did you?” her anger seems to have dissipated into genuine curiosity. she turns towards me, her eyes still attached to the carpet. “did you want it to be a turning point?” i open my mouth to answer, but she holds up a hand. “and don’t even think about lying to me like you have been. i deserve the truth,” our eyes lock at the last word. “jonah.”

“i...” it takes everything in me to keep my breathing fairly level. i’m too focused on calming myself down than her words, but one phrase in particular does resonate. she does deserve the truth, she deserves more than i’m willing to give her. and does that make me a bad person? or does it make me confused? “it depends on what you mean by turning point.”

she throws her hands up, practically jumping off the couch. “okay, see, this is what you do, jonah. you make it so you’re not technically lying but it’s never a straight answer. god, who even are you? this is not the jonah beck i know.”

i stand up too, turning on her. “and who’s that? who’s the jonah you know because i sure as hell don’t know who i am!” it’s more of a whine than anything as there’s no venom in my voice, but it’s the most truthful thing i’ve said to her in weeks. i look down at my hands, a little stunned at my own confession, letting myself slowly sit back onto the couch. andi is just as surprised, if not more. she sits down beside me again, seemingly mellowed out a bit.

“what do you mean?” she asks cautiously after i’ve regained some sobriety.

“what do you mean what do i mean? we’re teenagers right?” i try and play it off as if i’ve already come to terms with this and i’ve known for a long time, but this is really the first time i’ve admitted it to myself. “aren’t we all still figuring out who we are?”

“ya, no, you’re totally right. i just... you have to know what _i_  mean when i say you’ve been acting different though.” she responds, trying her hand at a more gentle approach.

“i know.” i say with a shaky breath, losing more and more of the reigns as time passes.

“so, i think we need to take a break-“

“what?!” i practically yelp, panicked. “i- i thought we just came to an understanding?”

“we did,” she shrugs. “and i appreciate the honesty. but that still doesn’t change the fact that you weren’t thinking of this dinner the way i was thinking of it.”

“no, andi,” i chuckle, trying to cover up how quick and sporadic my breathing’s gotten. “i was.” the words die on my tongue, and i realize what a blatant lie that is. though i knew she was thinking of it like that, i had never felt the same way. though i knew she wanted this to be the next step, i never did.

“you weren’t though.” she says bitterly. “and we both know it. and honestly, it’s my fault. we’ve been doing this since the 7th grade, jonah. you say one thing and mean another.” she gets up, making her way towards the door. she opens it, and gives me an expectant look. “we’re taking a break.”

i start violently shaking my head, tripping over words left and right. “andi please, andi, i wanted- i want it, please!” she just shakes her head, looking away from me. i take the opportunity and walk out, pretending as if i’m not on the brink of an anxiety attack.

•••

“amber? amber, andi, she, i can’t breath, i can’t move, please come- come get me,” i heave into my phone which i’ve managed to put on speaker. i’m currently sat on the sidewalk a block away from andi’s place, absolutely frozen with fear. i’ve done the breathing exercises and now i’ve just absolutely given up, allowing myself to panic and my insides to scream and cry and not stop.

“i’m on my way, where are jonah? do you know?” despite the fact that i’m practically incoherent, she sounds pretty calm.

“a block- a block from andi’s. center street.”

i don’t know how long it takes amber to get here, my anxiety tends to take the time with it. but i do know that however long it’s been of me just sitting here were even more grueling than the fifteen seconds i spent waiting for andi to open the door. this was a different kind of grueling though, and it was on top of agonizing fear. her car pulls up in front of me, and she’s by my side in seconds.

“jonah, hey, hey, breathe.” she coos, grabbing my hand for some stability.

the breathing doesn’t work, but i knew it wouldn’t. it wasn’t working ten minutes ago why would it now? amber’s at a dead end, opting to just hold my hand as i ride out the attack. i’ve never been more afraid in my entire life. the attack lasts from the time i stepped out of andi’s apartment to where i am now, cradled in amber’s arms on the sidewalk of center street. once my breathing evens out, amber helps me up and into her car.

“what the hell just happened?” she asks once we’ve both into the car.

i stare straight ahead, my hand tightening around the handle of the door. “i have no idea.” i reply honestly. i tell amber the whole story as she drives me back to my dads place, from talking to cyrus to andi telling me we’re going on a break. she just listens, one hand on the steering wheel and one resting on the side of her cheek. “jonah, i love you, and i’m saying this out of love...” she starts, glancing over at me.

“what?”

amber bites her lip, then lets out a frustrated sigh, slamming the hand that was holding her head of down on the car door. “look, if you’re not gunna tell your parents about this, then i will-“

“you wouldn’t.” i cut her off, gritting my teeth.

“jonah, we are in way over our heads with this,” she spits. “you just collapsed on the fucking SIDEWALK, like, you need help-“

“i don’t need help!” i yell, squeezing my eyes shut. i can’t help but feel as if she’s judging me, is my aupport system judging me right now?

“you do though," she argues, her voice raising as well as mine. “you need help, and i’m enabling you in ignoring that. admit it jonah, because you have an anxiety problem, okay?! this is real, this is happening, you can’t keep-“

“i’ll do whatever i want! i’m not fucking crazy, alright?” i take in a staggered breath.

“i’m not saying you’re crazy,” she rolls her eyes. “i’m saying you have a serious mental health issue. you can’t keep treating me like i’m a goddamn licensed psychologist, alright? it’s time you grow the fuck up and realize that hiding this is just hurting you.”

i frown, looking down at my shoes. i’m missing those yes men right about now. “i thought you understood.”

“jonah, this IS me understanding, understanding that this has been going on for way too long.” she glances at me, and i know exactly what that look says.

“i’ll tell my brother, okay?” i blurt. “will that shut you up?”

“for awhile, maybe. but my ultimatum still stands.” she says, roughly hitting the breaks in front of my apartment building. “get out of my car. and seriously jonah, fuck you.”

“ya, fuck you too.” i grumble, getting out and slamming the door for good measure. i watch as she drives off, and i can’t help but feel incredibly guilty for what just happened. she’s the person who’s kept me stable since everything went down, and i just punished her for it. i turn towards my apartment building and start walking in, hoping to give into the urge of curling up in a ball and not getting out of bed for a few days. i stick my key into the lock twisting it and shoving the door open. daniel’s on the couch, and i’m just praying to god that he ignores my existence. but of course, i’m not that lucky, and daniel turns around.

“hey, where’ve you been all day?”

“breaking up with my girlfriend.” i deadpan, hoping he’ll take the hint and leave me be.

“what? oh my god, jo, i’m so sorry. do you wanna talk about-“

“what i want is for you to leave me alone.” i growl. daniel stiffens, obviously taken aback by my attitude.

“fine, be an asshole then.” he shrugs, resuming his position on the couch. i will be an asshole, thanks for that. i think, storming into the bedroom. this was gunna be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr: itoldheraboutyou


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after his previous days outbursts, jonah feels he has no one left to turn to other than cyrus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey... so it’s been awhile lol. uh, so much has happened? if you don’t keep up with my tumblr (and haven’t noticed that i’m definitely a reddie/multi ship blog now), then you wouldn’t know that i stopped watching andi mack. it’s been about 6 months now, and being out of that fandom has done so much for my mental health, you have no idea. however, i never abandon my ships, and even though am went down hill, i still ship my boys. i guess i just felt wrong leaving this story unfinished, idk. so i finished chapter 5 after it being abandoned for the last 7 months, even though no one asked. if no one’s going to read it, i won’t bother continuing. but if you do want me to finish the story, please let me know! either in these comments or you’re more than welcome to message me/drop an ask on my blog. thanks!

i lift my phone up off the counter, seeing andi still hasn’t messaged me back. i texted her this morning, just wanting to talk, but it looks like she’s avoiding me. figures, i don’t know why i thought she wouldn’t be after last night. 

“hey,” cyrus comes upon back of me, walking behind the counter and grabbing an apron. “who’d you fight with?”

i lay my head in my hands, watching miserably as cyrus struggles to tie the apron to his waist. “everyone.”

“kinda sounds like you’re the problem then huh, jolamajama?” i crack a smile at the old nickname.

“i’m being ridiculous, aren’t i?”

“maybe a little bit,” he finishes off the knot and then pulls a roll of paper out from under the counter. “give me the tea, what happened yesterday?”

“you actually want to listen to my bullshit?” i ask if not a little apprehensively. 

“happily, help me while we talk though?” he shoves a pair of scissors my way. i look down at them as if i’m looking down at my english book. 

“what do you want me to do?” i ask, reaching out for them. 

“cut the excess off the flowers before i arrange them?” i nod as cyrus puts a few, i think tulips (?), in front of me and i get to work. “so, what happened?”

i take a deep breath, flicking my eyes back and forth from the tulips and cyrus, thinking about how i want this to go. to be fair, i kind of already admitted to cyrus that i have no idea who i am, so this should be pretty easy.  
“i left here and went to andi’s. she’s still pretty upset about what happened, rightfully so. i apologized, because i really did feel bad. but then, i started saying some stuff i didn’t really mean. like, that i wanted it to be some stupid “turning point in our relationship.” i mimic her, rolling my eyes as i aggressively snip off a certain leaf from the stem.

“do i have to take those off you and give you the child safe ones miranda keeps here for morgan?” cyrus asks skeptically.

“alright, very funny, cy. fuck you.” i say playfully with a smile, obviously joking. the exact opposite of how amber said it to me yesterday. “anyway, she caught onto my lying and accused me of not being myself,” cyrus stops fiddling with the orange lily’s he’s been rearranging, giving me his full attention. “and i, well i snapped. she said that this wasn’t the jonah beck she knew, and i couldn’t keep lying to her i guess. i said who’s the jonah you know because i don’t know who i am... at least not anymore. and it’s more than that, ya know? i don’t know if i ever did let her see a real part of me.”

cyrus rolls his lips into a thin line, probably mulling over what i just said. “real?”

“yeah, real. i don’t know cy, it feels like i’ve been putting on a persona for so long. like a persona that’s me but like, just all the superficial parts. the jonah beck.” i try and explain to the best of my ability what exactly it is i’ve been thinking over the past couple weeks. i don’t know what it is about cyrus that’s so easy for me to vent to but for a guy that doesn’t talk about his feelings, it must be something. i hold my breath as cyrus does the thing again. i can feel the fear inching up my throat, all my insecurities coming at me at once saying this was a bad idea. 

“i think you know a lot more about yourself than you think.”

“like what?” i chuckle, as if that’s the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard. did i not just pour my heart out to him about not knowing myself?

cyrus sighs, coming out from behind the counter and taking the scissors and tulip from my hands. “let’s start easy, what do you like to do?”

i give him a confused look, but answer nevertheless. “frisbee?”

“besides frisbee.” he rolls his eyes. “and skateboarding! that’s surface stuff according to you.”

“playing video games-“

“that’s surface level too, isn’t it?” cyrus asks, and i shrug.

“not if i also like watching people play video games.” i don’t think anyone knows that, like obviously my brother does but i just didn’t think anyone would care.

“oh i love that for you.” he smiles, and i return it. “tell me me who.”

“markiplier, crankgameplays, the big ones. i watch julien solomita on twitch, just a lot of people.” 

“okay, definitely going through your youtube subscriptions later,” cyrus comments, and i chuckle. “do you support the lgbtq community?”

“of course?!” i splutter, not seeing what this has to do with me. 

“why?”

looking cyrus in the eye and taking a deep breath, i reply; “because love is love.” 

i try and read what’s behind his eyes as he smiles at me, but no luck. 

“do you support trump?” he asks, and i raise an eyebrow.

“fuck no.” what are these questions?

“why not?”

“because he doesn’t support human rights.” 

“why don’t you talk about how much you love astrology?” 

there it is. i sigh, my eyes switching from his to the floor. “how do you know i love astrology?” 

“jonah, please.” he chuckles as if that’s the dumbest question he’s ever heard. and honestly, it is, i’ll admit that. cyrus is incredibly smart, don’t get me wrong, but he has his ditzy moments. let’s be real though, i’m ditzier... or maybe more oblivious? i don’t know, either way i’ve noticed he tends to be more observant with me. i’m not too oblivious to catch onto how much he listens.

“i... i don’t talk about it because i don’t think it’s an exciting part of me.”

cyrus cocks his head slightly, thinking over my answer. “jonah, that’s just not real life.” he finally decides, setting down the tulip he was messing with to look me in the eyes. 

“what isn’t?” i ask, and he gives me a look as if to say i know i’m just being stubborn.

“this whole-“ he waves his hand around. “boy next door perosna. you’re so much more than frisbee and skateboarding, and i wish you’d realize that.” 

“you... really think that?” i ask tentatively, crossing my arms against myself. 

cyrus comes around the counter with an eye roll, and suddenly he’s in my space. he gently takes hold of my arms and unfolds them, letting his touch linger for no longer than a second before allowing them drop to my sides. 

“i know that.” he says, a kind smile on his face. “i feel like you use the superficial stuff as like, a safety blanket. which has always been so baffling to me because you always seemed so confident... but i wish you didn’t feel like you need protecting.”

i drop my jaw, just staring at him as he practically rips me open and digs out every bottle i’ve hidden away for years.

“i don’t know,” he sighs, taking a step back from me. i always felt like he could look straight through me, and that feelings never been more prominent. “that’s just my perspective.”

“how-“ i stutter, having to stop and take a deep breath before continuing in order to speak soundly. “how... can you read me so well?”

“honestly? i have no idea.” cyrus shrugs, playing absentmindedly with his apron strap. “normally i’m an actual gay disaster in all other aspects.”

we chuckle, and while we’re both still feeling vulnerable i decide to take my chance, dropping my issues for the time being. “was that hard for you? being a gay disaster?” as soon as it comes out of my mouth i realize how ridiculous it sounds, but i was being genuine!

cyrus bites his lip for a second while he considers my question, and i almost don’t realize it when he starts talking again. “i mean, not really. i’m extremely lucky.” he starts, rounding his way back behind the counter. i ignore the way my stomach flips at his absence. “buffy’s gotten used to it, just expects me to call her at stupid hours of the night in imminent distress about honestly anything at this point.”

i laugh lightly, and he flashes me a smile. “i think her and amber may be in the same boat with the two of us.” cyrus eyebrows knit together ever so slightly for half a second, and i realize i just blurted that out of nowhere. thankfully he easily moves past it. 

“andi was... a whole different story.” he trails off awkwardly, obviously not wanting to get too much into it. i just move the conversation along, repaying the favor.

“when did you tell them?” he never told me this, which is why i’m curious. or at least that’s what i tell myself.

“middle school? i told buffy like, the day after figuring it out. because again, gay disaster.” he points at himself with a rolled lip smile, and we both laugh. “andi found out at my bash mitzvah, actually.” 

“oh dude, your bash mitzvah!” i exclaim, the memory coming back. “that was... an experience.”

he rolls his eyes with a fond smile on his face. “it really was. why didn’t any of you ever tell me that having a me themed bar mitzvah was cringey as all hell?”

“i’m sure andi and buffy tried!” i hold in a laugh in attempt to defend myself. cyrus just smiles as he continues to fiddle with his tulips. “you know... i’m sorry.”

“for?” he lifts a brow, eyes focused on the flowers.

“that it kind of turned into a jandi shit-show.” i say softly, staring down at the green painted counter. some of its chipping off in the corner, and i resist the urge to pick at it. cyrus was so happy that i’d wanted to come, i remember. i just wanted him to continue being happy, to go and support him like a good friend. but like most of my middle and high school career, andi had to be the center of attention.

“ya well, our entire lives have been a jandi shit-show. it was normal.” he says with a bite to his voice, and i can here the snap of a stem as cyrus shoves it in with too much force. 

he’s right, our lives have been centered around me and andi’s relationship for too long. 

he looks up from the vase, withering at the sight of me and abandons it in favor of getting my attention.

“jonah, look at me?” he asks, resting his forearms on the counter and leaning towards me. 

i slowly lift my head to connect our eyes. “i don’t want it to be.” 

cyrus nods, recoiling. “well i appreciate the apology.”

“so, your parents,” i cleat my throat, rerouting the conversation back to where it was previously. “what were they like? when you told them?”

“well my mom already knew-“

“is this the mom that talks to the ghosts?”

cyrus cracks a smile at that, and the tense atmosphere quickly fades around us. “no, that’s my step mom. she says the ghost’s name is beverly.”

“great.” i laugh. “love that for her.”

“i know right? gunna have to call ryan and shane to investigate soon.” he says, finally finishing the bouquet and wrapping it up with paper.

“dude, i love buzzfeed unsolved!” i almost gush. “shane would probably love beverly.”

“he would,” cyrus says, walking out from behind the counter to go grab some more flowers from the cart that’s almost blocking the pathway to get in. these ones i’m almost positive are carnations. “we’d get some great spirit box segments of beverly and shane talking about all my family’s secrets my moms been telling her.”

i let out a full belly laugh at that, doubling over in my seat. cyrus laughs with me, and when we both settle down he continues. so many rabbit trails today.

“my step mom was a lot more surprised, and i definitely heard her tell beverly that she was having a minor breakdown later that day.” he widens his eyes in a pointed look towards his carnations, and i push down another flip.

“so you were literally the falsettos.”

“oh,” he rolls his eyes, taking the stray stem he broke and throwing it at me. “shut up!”

“okay, okay, damn!” i chuckle, shielding my face as it hits me in the shoulder and falling harmlessly to the floor. 

“to be fair though, i do feel like i’m trapped in the song ‘four jews in a room bitching’.” he admits, and i smirk.

“but ya, she was fine after the initial shock. my dad is like, totally proud of me. wants to take me to a pride parade, the whole shebang.”

my smile drops at the mention of a pride parade. “and my step dad is like, indifferent, i guess. which is sometimes a nice break from the rest being overly supportive. he doesn’t like, care at all. i’m the same as i’ve always been to him.”

i wince at the end sentence, pretending as if i don’t relate to it. because i don’t, i like woman. i like andi. 

before i can decide on a response, the door to the shops being thrown open and in walks bowie. he notices us, but doesn’t stop or say anything. i do however catch him giving the two of us a look, what’s behind it i can’t tell you.

“hey you two.” he greets us, striding casually up to the counter. ”just wanting to see how those orders were coming, they gotta go out soon.”

cyrus and i share a secret, sheepish glance. he’d only managed to get one and a half done. i take the hint, grabbing the scissors i’d been given to use.

“i better go and let you finish up.” i annnounce, picking up the garbage can we’d dragged out from behind the counter in the other. cyrus watches as i invade his area, accidentally bumping into him while i attempt to put everything in order. 

“want help?” he lifts a brow, but i shake my head. 

i set both things down in their correct spots, turning to leave when a hand grabs hold of my wrist. when i face the owner, i feel his hand drop discreetly into mine. it’s only for a second before he’s pulling away completely, and my fingers itch to chase his. for stability, ya know? because i just almost fell. 

“text me?” i swallow roughly, nodding before i’m launching myself out the door.

“bye, jonah!” bowie calls after me, and i wave at them both as the door closes behind me. huh... that was a lot. i pull my phone out of my back pocket, being met with 0 notifications. i shove it back where it was, looking to the left of the shop. the spoon is that way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr: itoldheraboutyou


End file.
